It has been some time since I lasted posted and life has a strange way of taking twist. When you become a parent you want to be able to give the world to your child. You want them to have experiences that make them grow, to make them a person that one day can walk through life without holding your hand. Not every experience is beautiful but because of that experience you grow. Children learn by example and although not every example may have been the normal route, the safe road they still observe the parent or parents that are trusted in their heart and that builds the character of the adults they become. There is no text book for life. My child is a piece of me, even if he was born an ocean away. I may not have been able to give him the gift of life but in reality that's the easy part. I want my son to see healthy with his own eyes. To grow up knowing his worth and to be able to walk away when he feels like his worth is not being met. I can give him the gift of knowing how to do this because he has lived it first hand through me.
Marriage is not easy. It can have a way of bringing out the most beautiful in people but if that beauty dies do you stay or do you go? Its impact on the child will put a permanent stamp, impression that he will carry with him his entire life. In my case the beauty died and the impact of staying would have given my son a stamp I did not want him to follow. So I left.
I realize that leaving was one of the hardest decisions I could make but also the most empowering example I could demonstrate to my son. At the end of the day I just wanted more. More for me, more for Kobi's future. I left everything behind except my son.
Life has a strange way of taking twist.
When your life has regrouped and taken a new direction that person you were not looking for someday finds you. In my situation it was extremely quick. I realized what people would think but at the end of the day it just didn't matter. I believe a little person should view healthy relationships because at that moment when they are not holding your hand anymore they will have gained your independence so to speak and an idea of what self worth truly means. If they do not observe what healthy is then how can they ever find it for themselves. If I have taught my son only one thing I hope it is to follow his heart.
Life is not always a planned path.
I have become a mother two different ways. The child that was born from someone else and the child that was born from me. I wondered if it would feel any differently the first time I held my babies and it did. The moment I held Kobi it was as if he was an old soul that I was already acquainted with. The happiest moment of my life. A huge sigh of relief that I had found my baby. The moment I held my daughter it was of shock. Along with a side of terror followed by amazement that something so small could have engulfed my heart so big. She was a little soul I didn't know but again, just like Kobi, a huge sigh of relief from the moment I heard that first cry. Having many children is something that I always secretly wanted. Of course going through life with just a son was something I was prepared for but I have always wanted to give a sibling to him, be it this way or adoption. It doesn't matter how your children come to you. Whether they are planned with piles of paperwork and look nothing like you or completely unplanned and have your smile and the same baby face you had when you were their age.
A typical pregnancy is 40 weeks. When I held my daughter for the first time at 33 1/2 weeks needless to say is why I can write "shock" as to one of my first emotions. Shocked to know I was holding a child that was so tiny but able to completely function on her own. I was very fortunate to have given birth to a healthy baby girl.
In my eyes Kobi has gained something happy during this time of what may feel like his life has taken the worst possible turn. He has gained a sibling that he adores and always asked me for during my marriage to his father. Although this was not the way he expected to get one I am happy I could. An end of a marriage was never something I wanted Kobi to have to experience I also never wanted him to experience a life without siblings. He is now a product of a blended family and has not just a sister but an older brother so to speak.
There has been many changes in my household. A completely new and different household with lots of dirty fingers and chaos. Have I made the right decision to leave what I had known for the past fifteen years? Absolutely...
