I came across a "Taiwanese-adoptee" blog today and felt compelled to read it. She certainly has brought attention to what I as an adoptive parent may face if I don't raise Kobi baby right. As I read her post she seems to have issues about not having the choice to have been adopted, to not grow up around other Asian/ adopted people and to feel this sense of "why me" or at least that is how I perceived it?? Reading her post makes me wonder "What did her parents do or not do for that matter"? She brought up a line that probably all adoptive children here all throughout their entire life, "It was fate that you were placed with this family". Now I am a person who believes in fate but I gotta say when it comes to my son's story as to why he entered into our family fate will probably never be the answer out of my mouth. To me YES I do believe that it was fate that our agency had one little man left to place before its closure and YES I do think the fact that all our homestudy and dossier paperwork was completed in record speed because deep down I knew my paper-pregnancy would never be easy. However to say that to the person (who will someday be taking care of me) is just not good enough in my eye's and I can see how that can be twisted in Kobi's head as to how he may think "fate made my birth family not good enough"? I can say we are extremely lucky parents to have the court papers we do because when Kobi reaches that stage of "Why" then I can read right off his photo-copied adoption decree that your birthmother wanted you to go to the best schools possible and to be raised in a stable environment thus making you successful in life. That she thought being raised in America Kobi would have little discrimination to face.
So how do we adoptive parents raise our kids to be issue free adults anyway? That should be a book they make us read for all those mandatory twenty hours of parenting classes. Either that or give us list of "adoptee-blogs" to read. Is putting up pictures of Taiwan around our houses, making our kiddo's take Mandarin from age four and up, taking them back to Taiwan for vacations, is that gonna do the trick? Because after reading this girls blog my head is just saying "What happened in her life that she seems to not have any closure"?
I guess I can only hope I incorporate enough Taiwanese culture in this white woman's house but thank goodness I live close enough to DC because maybe then Kobi wont feel like this woman does... like the only Asian person in an all white environment. If anything I feel misplaced because God knows I'll walk blocks before seeing another white folk! LOL!
I am sure many of you adoptive parents out there have heard this statement to, "Why did you want to adopt a child not of your race, Why did you choose Taiwan"? I'd love to hear others response on this. I guess for me I only looked into cultures that I loved, not because I just wanted a baby. After all if I just wanted a baby then I would have adopted the knocked-up next door neighbor kids:) That the fact that my son is clearly different looking from me had no effect on our decision but that the Taiwanese people I have met in my life did. That for me the way their country was created, the way that they handled their adoptions and the fact that deep down I would give up this Marylander life to pick my "a_ _" up and move overseas in a heartbeat is the main reason why this Kobi man entered our family... because I wanted a piece of something greater.
Boy I'm rambling in this post! Anyway... like I'd post without pictures. LOL! Here's from the park on Sunday and NO I don't have the "Kobi Marley" video yet but its coming:)
41 comments:
First - Love the Miso shirt! I always love the Kobi Baby pictures! I'd be highly offended if you posted something without any ;)
As for the adoptees blog I haven't read it yet. But I think all we can do is try to help our kids understand that we wanted them. I don't believe in fate, Miranda is part of our family because she was the child who was the best match for us. We applied to adopt and she was available to adopted.
As for why we chose Taiwan, nothing special exactly. We wanted to adopt from China but I was too young at the time. We applied for Korea but with moving overseas they couldn't work with us. Taiwan was the only country (at that time) we could work with that had the timeline we needed. I do love Asian culture so I was initially drawn to it.
I am ashamed to say we haven't incorporated anything since Miranda came home. Other than eating Chinese food! It's hard being American in Germany with a Chinese child. I attended playgroup with Miranda at my sons school a few weeks ago and one lady asked me how I liked being the nanny.
We have been thinking we may give up Singapore and move to Virginia (Alexandria area) in 1 1/2 years. That would make us pretty close to the Kobi man. That would be pretty nice :) We could form our own Asian kids group.
Wow - I'm a domestic white adoptee adopted into a white family - so I don't even have any of the numerous cultural issues to deal with and I can tell you that being adopted is the single most painful thing I have ever dealt with in my life.
It's beyond me how adoptive parents can't seem to slow down enough from their joy of getting a child to wrap their minds around what it must feel like to have your mother give you away. And unless the adoptee still has a connection to their natural family - then wrap your mind around the idea of what it must be like to have no clue whatsoever about where you came from. I think adoptive parents can't because it is just so mind boggling an idea to comprehend.
I really suggest you keep reading adoptee blogs and maybe even join some online groups such as yahoo's IAT:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/International-Adopt-Talk/
And listen listen listen before you speak. There is no magic equation to keep any adoptee from feeling like the one you wrote about. If you think it solely has to do with her adoptive parents then you have already got adoptive parenting wrong.
Listen, validate, empathize - that would be a good start.
Oh, and never try to define what a "real family" is to an adoptee. That is for us to decide.
-dory
Dory~
Thanks for the yahoo link. I really do believe a lot of how an adoptee is raised creates the person that they become but no not solely:) And trust me a lot of adoptive parents (atleast in this day and age) do "wrap their mind around the idea of what it must be like to have no clue whatsoever about where their children came from." Trust me I do try and really there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Kobi's birthmom or that we don't say goodnight to her picture.
I'll try that "listen, listen, listen" part in our family when someday I am hearing my sons words about his own experience...
Thanks for your tips!
~Sherry
Andrea~
Yes! Yes! Move to VA! LOL! I totally think we could do some serious shopping in this town as a team. Hehehe! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on what I wrote at 2AM yesterday morning. I love to hear others responses:)
~Sherry (Tell hubby that I'll start house searching for you guys now... LOL!)
hi,
I came across your blog and started reading your recent blog. I think you an awesome parent. I am 21 years and I was adopted from Korea. I was adopted around 6 years old so I have a some of memories of Korea and it was difficult for me to fit in right away, but I did. I do consider my adopted parents, my parents, but I always do wonder what would be like meeting my real Mom and Dad someday and wonder if I look like them. Being adopted is a great thing, but deep in side you do wonder about your birth family. Do you think your son will ever track his real mother and his real father down when he gets older and if so are you going to supportive of him? ( Maybe your son might want a sister or a little brother from Korea, what do you think? LOL)
Thank you for reading this long messege.
Dear Anonymous~
I do hope that one day Kobi does want to meet his birth family and I would totally support him if he does. I wish that she wanted to meet us in Taiwan but at the last minute she changed her mind so I can only hope that one day Kobi will meet her and just come face to face again.
So will you be tracking your birth family down? I am sure they think of you just as you wonder of them:)
~Sherry
*Oh and a little Korean bro or sis is totally what Kobi needs! Someone to share his toys with so he's not raised totally spoiled! LOL! (Not that mama doesn't spoil him. :)
~Sherry
I am biased, I guess because I am from Korea. There isn't too many Korean adoptess where I am. I also heard that adoption in Korea is easier too. Hey, you don't have to travel to Korea, the baby comes to you.LOL! I did find my real Mom. Its been hard, but I feel like I am somewhat normal from the other kids because now I finally have a real Mom and I am not different from the other kids. Its hard on me because I do not speak Korean, I speak English and French, odd isn't it? If I could give you one advice, please have your son learn a second lanugage like Chinesse because it will would be to his advantage! I think China is going to rule the world one day, LOL J/K! Sorry, I am going on and on. BTW, I never write comments to anyone on their blogs, but after reading yours I just wanted to give you might thoughts. I think your son is smart too, man he is bright!
Sherry,
go to this site on adoption:
www.adoptionthemovie.com
Its very helpful.
Sherry, Kobi has an excellent family! I haven't been to the blog you linked yet, but I am sure that Kobi will not have these issues because it is SO very obvious that he is so loved. We were so blessed to have met Reed's birthfamily and we are blessed to still have contact with them. We'll gladly walk with Reed down the journey to meeting them one day. In fact, when we adopt Reed's little sister, he will go with us so that he can see them.
Sherry, I'm pretty sure that I've read the same Taiwanese adoptee blog that you've mentioned. It made me really wonder what happened to make her feel so incomplete and hurt so much. My sister-in-law is an adoptee and is the complete opposite... very comfortable with how she came into this world, very glad that she was adopted, and doesn't want anything to do with her birthparents. Seems like there's such broad spectrum of adoptee's feelings about their adoptions. It's already hard to raise healthy, educated, well adjusted, self confident kids... and throwing adoptee into the mix makes it even more complex.
Sarah: (I'm going to assume you mean me since I'm the only Taiwanese adoptee I know of who's blogging about adoption yet)
"It made me really wonder what happened to make her feel so incomplete and hurt so much."
Would you like to have been separated from your original family?
Would you like to have woken up one day and wonder where your mother went?
("But you had such a good adoptive mother, I don't understand!")
A mother cannot become another mother. Mothers also don't replace each other. Just because you've heard of several adoptees who are happy-happy and don't give two figs about their roots/heritage doesn't mean my perspective is any less valid than theirs.
I was given away, Sarah. Knowing that will always HURT - *regardless of the reason.*
You can stop by my blog and read more of my posts to understand... or you can turn away and silently label me as an "angry adoptee." I'm used to it now.
Littlewing04~
Label you angry adoptee? Im sorry but where in Sarah's comment did she say that? YES ALREADY we know you were separated from your birth family! Have you ever thought about this... that us adoptive parents do give a s_ _ _ about that and we really do wish that pain of yours could be less but apparently you seem to think you can pull out the "Im adopted so dont say anything to me about pain card"... well lady that card doesnt play well with me! If anyone has labeled you anything b/c of my post its me. I think you are one self-centered person with issues and on another note don't you think we all know that mothers dont replace mothers here? Do you think that were tryin? Im only gonna speak for myself here but I know nothing will ever fill my son's "hole of loss" for his mother. I do hope that he turns into one confident adult adoptee that is cool with the fact that his BM relinquished her rights and thats why this post was posted in the 1st place. Not as a Bash the Taiwanese Adoptee post for crying out loud! Me as a parent wants to know tips from other adoptive parents and adoptees on what I can say or not say to make Kobi a strong, secure individual.
~Sherry
[Have you ever thought about this... that us adoptive parents do give a s_ _ _ about that and we really do wish that pain of yours could be less. don't you think we all know that mothers dont replace mothers here?]
You seem to think it was all my adoptive parents' fault and that if they had done "better", I wouldn't have any "issues." Which I disagreed with.
You also seem to be voicing that if you're perfect with your parenting, you can control how Kobi will feel about *his* adoption. No one's a perfect parent. Yet you say that if you do all the right things, your son probably (hopefully) won't wonder about his birthparents.
Please don't misunderstand my words. I am not saying you shouldn't attempt to incorporate the culture as best you can. I'm saying that no matter how much heritage you put into your home, you might have to contend with the fact that there's a part of his loss that you just can't heal. And yes, I know you're probably freaking out now after reading this.
Welcome to adoption. Welcome to what may be the truth in years to come.
[but I know nothing will ever fill my son's "hole of loss" for his mother]
I'm not sure if you actually believe that or not, or whether you just don't want to. Seeing as you claimed otherwise in the same blog post - that if you do things right as opposed to what you feel my parents did, your son won't have any doubts or "issues." Anyway, moving on.
["Im adopted so dont say anything to me about pain card"]
Actually, I was trying to make you understand. You might want to read my recent blog post as it clarifies what I have been trying to say.
People are probably going to label me as being "angry" simply for spoiling the win-win image they had in mind when they think about adoption. If they hear about how their hairdresser was adopted and is fine with it, or how their second cousin twice-removed is good with it, or how their neighbour's best friend didn't care about doing The Search, then they tend to wonder, "What is this adoptee's problem? Everyone else I know is fine with it!" etc.
Also, just because I don't like that I was relinquished doesn't mean my adopted life sucks. Really.
Jeff, Abbey, and Reed Land said:
"Sherry, Kobi has an excellent family! I haven't been to the blog you linked yet, but I am sure that Kobi will not have these issues because it is SO very obvious that he is so loved."
See, THIS is where you people are NOT GETTING IT.
It DOES NOT MATTER how much love you give an adopted child, how much attention and affection and understanding.
It is BEING SEPARATED FROM YOUR MOTHER, YOUR HOMELAND, YOUR CULTURE that causes the pain and these "issues" which you are all so paranoid about.
Why is that so HARD to comprehend?
I had the BEST adoptive parents EVER, better than all of you rolled up in a big fat tortilla and deep fried, and still I feel pain, down to my very core, because I WAS GIVEN AWAY BY MY MOTHER.
PERIOD.
Try to understand it and not figure out how to "love it away" because this happends BEFORE you EVER appear in your child's life.
BEING ABANDONED HURTS.
IT WILL ALWAYS HURT.
You can't love that away, you can't nurture that away.
You can understand it, you can empathize with it, but you can't ever, EVER, prevent it. The damage has ALREADY been done.
Littlewing04 and Lillie~
Thanks for sharing your point of views. I was hoping that an adoptee with a blunt response would post and certainly Lillie and Littlewing04 you have. Your answers were all I needed:
(It DOES NOT MATTER how much love you give an adopted child, how much attention and affection and understanding.
It is BEING SEPARATED FROM YOUR MOTHER, YOUR HOMELAND, YOUR CULTURE that causes the pain and these "issues" which you are all so paranoid about.)
These statements are what make me grow as a parent and by hearing Littlewing04 say:
(No one's a perfect parent.)
does have me saying yes your right. (Although if you haven't already noticed I am a Type-A that has a little mouse running around in my head saying "Perfect, Perfect, Perfect" all the time. LOL!
Im moving on now and I always welcome comments that can make me a better adoptive mother, so if you got more... I'd love to hear them and please put them in "Black and White" form for me because I am blonde:)
~Sherry
Wow Lillie.
Easy on the Caps Lock, girl. ;)
You basically just said what I spent 20 minutes in my own blog post saying. You just summarized it a lot more bluntly.
No offense, but if I were the AP I'd feel pretty "attacked" after that comment you typed out. ^_^;
I know what you meant but it's going to come across as harsh and this AP is probably already freaking out as it is.
(And according to most APs, if you had the "best" adoptive parents ever, you wouldn't have issues. ;) )
No not freaking out. This AP isn't bothered by comments b/c if I was then this blog wouldnt be public.
You can see my answer posted above your last comment.
~Sherry
Sherry, your son is adorable!
I am a PAP and I have been following the blog you wrote about for some time now. I hope that you have read all of her posts because I think she does have an excellent relationship with her parents and loves them every bit as much as they love her. As parents we would like to believe that our love can erase a child's pain and that, if we do it right, our children will grow up to be the most well adjusted beings to ever set foot on the planet. The hardest thing about being a parent is knowing that there are some things beyond your control. I have not yet adopted, but I do have a daughter who has suffered a great loss. When she was 3 1/2 she had a baby sister who died at the age of six weeks from a fatal genetic disorder. There is nothing that I can do to change that reality for her. I can help her through it and be there for her when she needs me. I can reassure her that it was not her fault. I can help her understand that being sick with a stomach flu is not the same thing and that she will get better. I can listen to her when she wants to talk about how she feels about her sister but I can't ever make it go away. I also know that her feelings about what happened will change as she gets older. She is too young to truly understand what death means. She is too young to understand genetics and what this may mean for her when she wants to have children. She is too young to understand that her father and I also feel pain at losing a child. Helping her with these "issues" will change as she grows and as her understanding develops.
Being a good parent does not mean that you will be able to erase Kobe's loss. Being a good parent means that you will try your best to understand that loss and help him deal with it. Being a good parent means validating his feelings and opening a dialogue. I hope you will continue to read adoptee blogs because I think they can help start the conversation. I stay away from those truly anti-adoption blogs, but there are many out there who are truly sharing their innermost feelings about being adopted. You may not always agree with what is being said (I don't always), but you can learn a great deal about what may go through Kobe's mind as he gets older. Worry less about being the perfect parent and concentrate more on being the parent that Kobe needs. If you do that, it doesn't mean he won't have "issues" about being adopted, but you may end up having a better relationship in the end.
Well, that's just my 2 cents. Have a great weekend and take lot's of pictures!
Sherry you might want to consider speaking to Mei Ling as an adult and how about trying to use some respect while you're at it.
Talking of respect, how about not calling your child's mother a bowel movement.
I wish you peace and hope you will one day know true love.
For the last anonymous commentor, BM means "birth mother" not "bowel movement."
QUOTE As parents we would like to believe that our love can erase a child's pain and that, if we do it right, our children will grow up to be the most well adjusted beings to ever set foot on the planet. The hardest thing about being a parent is knowing that there are some things beyond your control. I have not yet adopted, but I do have a daughter who has suffered a great loss. When she was 3 1/2 she had a baby sister who died at the age of six weeks from a fatal genetic disorder. There is nothing that I can do to change that reality for her. I can help her through it and be there for her when she needs me. I can reassure her that it was not her fault. I can help her understand that being sick with a stomach flu is not the same thing and that she will get better. I can listen to her when she wants to talk about how she feels about her sister but I can't ever make it go away. I also know that her feelings about what happened will change as she gets older. She is too young to truly understand what death means. She is too young to understand genetics and what this may mean for her when she wants to have children. She is too young to understand that her father and I also feel pain at losing a child. Helping her with these "issues" will change as she grows and as her understanding develops.
My parents were the most awesome devoted adoptive parents on this planet. They gave me everything and then some....
My Mother even stood by my side against her biological son in a family argument...
No amount of love from her or my dad would ever erase that which can not be done "my abandonment" "my being given away like a free puppy or kitten" "my being removed from my OLDER Sister"
Comparing Death to adoption is just not on. I am adopted and I have experienced Death - death of my adoptive mother. I went down from a size 12 Australian to a size 6 Australian when she died. That was how much I mourned her death.
The only mother I have ever known
But still you can not compare Death to Adoption. Death is final. You grieve the person but you do have closure, after time...You know that they are gone and that they are never coming back (dam it i am crying whilst writing this - its coming up to my mothers 8 years of passing )
But with Adoption it is not final, it is never final, only when you the adopted one is 6 foot under then your pain will cease. But up until then there is NO closure not even if you find your biological family....there is still never closure...
No sorry Death is not like adoption ....except maybe in the sense of loss and mourning ...but an adoptee ALWAYS Mourns her / his loss every single day whether it be consciously or not...it affects every single thing they do , every single step they take..
I'm sorry that you as adoptive parents or prospective ones just dont get it - because if you did well you just wouldn't adopt in the first place unless it was 100% an orphan or a child of abuse and then you wouldn't remove them from their homeland..you would move there...
And to Tish..Respectful people do not say *BM* because although everyone knows it is short supposedly for Birth mother - its actually very insulting...
Sherry,
Don't listen any negative comments! You are a great parent I can see that from the pictures and from your blog. Did you get the chance to see the web site I sent you www.adoptedthemovie.com? I think I wrote the wrong web site down the first time. Its interesting.
Jane: APs cannot understand because they are not adopted.
I can understand why people would want to use "birthmother"... and interestingly enough there was a blog post on this at another AP's blog.
http://www.eve3.wordpress.com/
She says, non-verbatim: "I don't like using birth or biological. I don't even like using first or natural or original. To me, that defines a woman by one event in her life."
It was actually a really good statement. I know a lot of it is personal preference, and when talking with APs I normally use "biological" but Eve's words really made me think - even as an Out-Of-The-Fog adoptee.
I feel the need to post again, because I am wondering from all of the adoptive people a few questions:
1. We met Reed's birth mother and his birth grandparents. They were absolutely heartbroken by their inability to give Reed the life they felt he deserved: 1 reason being that in Taiwan he would have been ostracized for being the child of an unwed mother and 2 they really wanted him to have the best life possible. We absolutely do not believe that Reed's birth family gave him away, but that they chose to give Reed the life they wanted him to have. We still maintain contact with the family by sending them pictures and they send Reed gifts. My question is: Do you feel like Reed was given away? We don't.
We feel that he was chosen!
2. And this one is just for fun: if BM is offensive to birth mothers then as APs, should we be offended to also be known academically as advanced placements?
3. Finally, how do you suggest we balance keeping Reed in touch with his birth culture while also teaching him to embrace his American culture? Which, in your opinion, will be most beneficial for him? Do you think he will benefit from language classes? We are a part of a Taiwanese Organization in our area, would that have been helpful to you? And, for my own information, do your parents encourage you to meet your birth family?
Sorry for the litany of questions, but if we're being beat up, we need to know how we can better raise our kiddos that we love desperately and desire for them to be wonderful parents one day!
You asked for answers (opinions). ;)
[Do you feel like Reed was given away?]
Yes. At least to an extent, no matter how much of a "better life" they wanted to give. A child that has been relinquished/surrendered is one that has been given up. Switch the terminology all you like but in the end it means the same.
[if BM is offensive to birth mothers then as APs, should we be offended to also be known academically as advanced placements?]
Actually, it was the adoption agencies who wanted to distance mothers from the babies they were going to birth in order for adoptions to be more "successful." They were the ones who thought "birthmother" would help promote the win-win presumption.
[Do you think he will benefit from language classes?]
Yes. Definitely. It's part of his heritage - why is that even a question? :\
Seriously though, I would strongly encourage that ALL adoptive parents try and make the adoptee's original culture as interesting as possible.
[Finally, how do you suggest we balance keeping Reed in touch with his birth culture while also teaching him to embrace his American culture?]
He's going to grow up *incorporated* into American culture, so that's not much of an effort to pull off. However, Taiwanese culture is a bit more hard to come by, so parents will have to make a much bigger effort to celebrate Taiwanese events and to take the kid out for a Chinese dinner once in a while.
By the way... you're being "leaped on" because you insist that love will conquer all.
If that was the case, then the hundreds of transracial adoptees who returned to Korea wouldn't have felt this desire to regain their birthright. Just some food for thought.
Jane, I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. I was not making a direct comparison of death to adoption, but merely illustrating that there are painful realities that no amount of good parenting can erase. I do take offense to your statement that there is always going to be closure after a death, as I was suprised to see an adoptee be so dismissive of another's pain. My own mother lost her mother at the age of 8 and she still talks about how it affects her today, and she is in her 60's. As for my daughter, I hope she can have closure, but she may not. She is constantly reminded that she is supposed to have a little sister-every time she sees a baby, or sees her friends with their siblings-and it is very painful for her. One day it may affect her decision whether or not to have children, since we don't have a diagnosis and she may unknowingly carry the defective gene.
My point was not to compare one kind of pain to another; these situations are each unique and carry their own distinct pains. Your post seemed to suggest, however that I and my daughter should be able to "just get over it already", a sentiment that I would never direct to an adoptee.
I say your a great mommy to kobi.
Maybe one day Kobi might wonder but that's totally normal.
Keep it up, smiles and enjoy your lovely weekend!
"And trust me a lot of adoptive parents (at least in this day and age) do 'wrap their mind around the idea of what it must be like to have no clue whatsoever about where their children came from.'"
Well I've been exposed to an obscene number of adoptive parents that don't. And you totally missed my point - which kind of makes my point. I was not miffed by adoptive parents not being able to wrap their minds around what it must be like to not know where THEIR CHILDREN came from - again - it's not about YOU ADOPTIVE PARENTS - it's about the child. I was suggesting you try to wrap your mind around what it's like for your child - not you.
See the different?
"I'll try that "listen, listen, listen" part in our family when someday I am hearing my sons words about his own experience... "
Well you could be waiting forever then. Honestly, that's like saying "I'll have the sex talk after I know he's had sex. Good god. My APs have no clue how I feel about adoption and I will never tell them. I am not alone - I have heard many many other adoptees say the same thing. I suffered alone in my silence for 30+ years until I met another adoptee and discovered she felt the same as I did - it seemed like the whole world opened up to me then - I was no longer the weirdo.
You need to start the dialogue with your son - come one - that is part of parenting. Are you going to wait for him to start the dialogue on everything in life?
Here's two more links I suggest you take the time to read and actually think about:
http://international.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/jane-brown-adoption-playshops-and-semina
http://www.fwcc.org/janebrowntransracial.htm
-dory
Jane wrote: "I'm sorry that you as adoptive parents or prospective ones just dont get it - because if you did well you just wouldn't adopt in the first place unless it was 100% an orphan or a child of abuse and then you wouldn't remove them from their homeland..you would move there..."
and I'm just struggling to get my mind around this. I do believe that the sheer volume of potential adoptive parents (PAP: another great acronym) and the amount of money they are willing to pay in fees does have the potential to lead to abuse within the adoption process in terms of coercion of pregnant women, kidnapping, unscrupulous lawyers, etc etc. So-in cold capitalist terms, the great demand may increase the supply, in awful ways. And my personal belief is that money should never change hands in adoption - the money is the corruptive factor. BUT to restrict adoptions to children with two dead parents, or who are terribly abused, would leave untold numbers of children homeless and institutionalized who do not fit that narrow criteria. I know it is tempting to believe that all women would want to keep their babies if they 'could', but this to me is an anti-feminist and anti-freewill position that denies women the autonomy to govern their own lives. Sometimes, women simply do not want be mothers, period. And they should have a safe and legal way to make a plan for their child. So, returning to my 'ideal world' scenarios: one, women control their own fertility with free access to contraceptives. Two, they have the option of abortion. Three, they have a safe and legal way to make an adoption plan for their child. Four, they are able to change their minds for several MONTHS after the birth of that baby - none of this signing of papers in a post-delivery daze. Five - adoptions are as open and connected as possible. And lastly, I wholeheartedly agree that when there's an option to keep the child in their own country and culture, its far preferable to do so.
Yikes!! I'm guessing you didn't realize you might be opening quite the can of worms, but I'm glad you did. Great discussion. Even though it is one with no right answers what with every child and every family being different, it is still an important opportunity for all of us to reflect and try to gain a deeper understanding of our world as well as our own families.
R...
p.s. Love the shirt!! :-)
"Sometimes, women simply do not want be mothers, period."
I'm sorry, but this is not true. Some women don't want to be mothers... but if it's to the extent where she'd give away her own flesh and blood, her own child, then there's no "simply" about it. There's no "period" after the statement. If a woman is giving away her child b/c she doesn't want to be a mother, there is a host of complexities there--complexities that should be delved into.
Nicole
(A first mom who gave her child away out of "not wanting to be a mother." And yes, it was giving away... not placing, not doing the best thing out of love, none of that. All the planning I did does not erase the fact that when I relinquished my newborn, in her mind at the time, all she experienced was "Where's mom? And why isn't she coming back?")
Thanks Paragraphein. :)
I think people need to learn how to differentiate:
"Giving up because you NEED to."
and
"Giving up because you WANT to."
I have researched this to the end of the earth and I have found that there are bitter, "you didn't do enough" bio children and adoptive children alike and "It wasn't MY choice Birth Moms" there are also "you did it all for me" adopted children and "I did my best" Birth moms" I have seen both extremes. I have seen MORE children pushed away by too much culture than not enough however. I have seen MORE chinese or Asian families that I have talked to or heard of that move here to the U.S. and they don't do majority of their cultural things simply because they moved to America to be American. I think that it all comes down to helping your child be proud of being an American and Whatever race they are. Our child will learn about OUR RACES AND HIS! BUT, I will watch him to see if it is enough or too much. Not only that but what exactly is our TAiwanese children? Being from an island of 11 aborigine tribes, dutch, japanese, Chinese, and Hakka chinese (yes different) or Pintu what do you teach them? I think my son is mainly Japanese but no proof, so do I take him Japanese and he hates me for not taking him the culture HE WANTED?? The first and foremost thing is to make sure he knows he was loved enough to be given a chance that his BM thought she didn't have the means to give him this herself, that he was wanted, needed and loved from day one by us. That he is an Asian American. Like we are "Indian American" or African American, or Brit American.
When I think about this, I really start to wonder because my Grandfather came over from a slavic country and we didn't HAVE TO HAVE PATWEETSA all time or be inundated with our cultures to be "us". We were happy healthy and learned our culture as we showed interest. I am also very high percentage Cherokee but I don't do rain dances in order to feel connected. I think we all have a comfort level and more than likely the adoptee's "teen or young adult" comfort level wasn't what the Aparents wanted for her and they more than likely didn't pay attention to what she needed or wanted so they could help her find her way. It is very hard for me to believe that her real issue is her culture identity when America is completely and utterly a mixed race just as Taiwan is. I think that if we do our best to love our children and make being adopted just "being our child" and we don't remind them of that all the time but somehow find a balance to get them what they need to feel comfortable in their own skin, just as our families did then that should be the magic formula. But then again, I have seen kids raised in great conditions, culture done right, no seemingly blaring problems and they still claimed they were abused or neglected... it is simply a balance hon and not all adoptees feel the way this one did. I think this all goes so deep that we could not even attempt to supposedly unlock the answers that a lot of adoptive parents "wish" we could. There is no magic combination that we can all just plug into our children and no pat answer. Please don't let this adoptee be your only answer or freak you out. They have rights to their problems and hurts but don't try to bring that onto your kolbi. He is happy and you can see that! H is loved and you can see that. You are a perfect mama for him so far.. how do I know? Look at him? I think the bitterness just sometimes festers in some people hon and unfortunately they will NEVER be happy and there is a HUGE possibility that these people would never had been happy. We all have something we can identify that "wrecked our life, spun our little worlds out of orbit" but it is how you handle that as self as the adoptee in this case that will define you. It is not the actual event that defines you. Being a person that came from infertility. OF COURSE for a while I was upset I couldn't have the other world. That others DID have that world. That I may NEVER have that world. Then I got over what I didn't have and embraced what I did have. I could have remained in this state. I could have let it define me. BUT I didn't. There is no way to brand pain, so I am not comparing the two worlds of pain but I refuse to separate them also. ANY pain can define you. It is up to your son if the pain/event will define him or if he will define the pain/event. It is up to you right now if you choose to remind him of being adopted, that he is not like you and never will be.. YES HE IS.. he is American with the same freedoms..he may not look like you but he is in a lot of ways like you. I hope this encourages you!
Forgive the BM thing please.. I spelled it out on the top two and didn't the last.. that was an honest mistake and one I am trying to change.. lol. And the post above is pointing at the culture loss only aspect by the way... not debating loss of family and such.
Wow. Where to begin here. My girls (twins) are adopted from China. After years, and years of trying to have our own children we were finally given the chance to be parents to the most beautiful little girls on the planet. Ok, I'm their mommy, I'm supposed to say that But....THEY ARE. My babies weren't put up for adoption. They were abandoned. Placed in a basket and left on the doorsteps of a tea shop. They spent the first 9 months of their lives in an orphanage. I can only surmize why they were left and I believe it was only because she had to. A) China's one child policy B)The mother was not granted permission (that's correct!) to have a child. Without permission there would be no birth certificate if she gave birth in a hospital. Forcing most to have their babies at home. Again. No birth certificate. It would be as if the child did not exist. Her child would not get medical care. Could not attend school. C) Baby was not a boy. D))The poverty in China. It's some of the worst I've seen and I've traveled the world.
We have discussed their adoption and how we came to be a family since we brought the girls home from China 2.5 years ago. My children know they were born in China and they know their mother loved them enough to want a better life for them. My only wish is that they someday could meet their mother. But, unfortunately there are no records of who their birth mother was as it is against the law in China to give your baby up for adoption. Sad. I would love for her to see what smart, beautiful, well adjusted children they have become. They are everything in this world to us and we embrace the Chinese culture and try to learn and teach them as much as possible. We will be China in a few years so that the girls can experience it first hand. We want them to be proud of where they came from. I know we will be forever thankful to China for trusting us with the most precious gift of all. We're not perfect. But. We. Are. Happy.
Insame Mommy
p.s. Great post girly!!!
Sherry,
I want to say thank you!! I'm not an adoptee... but what I believe you doing is right!! I'm sure all those cries from those adoptees are all short term and they're not really looking at the big picture. Life!!
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